A year later
A year ago I decided to sit down and try to finish my book. The one I had been working on for years, probably going on 6 or more at this point. Early last year (2025) I was able to dedicate a lot of time and energy to it before moving into a very busy season at work for me in the Spring. Once I had recovered from that burnout, I wrote some fairly large new sections over the Summer. Which was a lot of fun! There were large missing chunks of the story that I had some vague idea of how I wanted to address, but hadn’t spent the time to really explore what was there. At some point I realized - this is all made up! I can do whatever I want, what I think feels fun and creative and is what I would want to read. It felt like a kind of funny realization to have and made the process really enjoyable. Instead of feeling like I needed to slog through ‘less interesting’ parts of the story, I decided I could just make them interesting to work on and solve the problem from both angles. I didn’t set out intending to have sections that felt like a chore to me - and I would assume by proxy a chore for readers as well. So why was I approaching it that way?
This change in approach led to a flurry of writing, which I did enjoy! And this approach carried through to the rest of the process as well. Even though I had a very rough first draft, there were plenty of missing sections, plot holes, temporary character names, etc.. and I had a lot of things to fill in and flush out. This part of the writing process is not something I had ever really done before, and for sure not on this scale. I guess this is a downside of writing something over half a decade! I had a very clear high level idea and structure I wanted for the story (and for that matter the entire series), but the details of how that came to life were things I flowed in and out of and let myself create as the mood had struck me. Because I would write in large, massive flow states and then set it down for periods of time, my life would change, I would change. I would mull over in the back of my mind the characters, the story, what I had written and what might come next. So by the time I would write again, it would come from a new place. Weaving all these things together required understanding what I had been trying to accomplish with my subconscious, creative self and what my conscious, rational self wanted to do to make this possible for other people to read and understand. It was a curious journey, and I could feel the pull between what I would write without an audience and what was necessary to actually complete the vision. Into a fully realized and complete thought. One that could ostensibly be shared with others. I have conflicted feelings about it. I want to honor the creative side of it for myself, the one where I write how I want, what I want, in whatever manner and style I choose. But I also want to honor the side of myself that feels compelled to finish this and share it with the world.
This part of the process was sometimes frustrating and filled me with all kinds of self doubt and fears and second guessing. I tried as best I could to stay true to how I wanted to express myself while also choosing to use a lens outside of myself to better create something that could also express that vision to others.
Today I finished this portion of the process. Characters all have names (well, almost all of them!), locations are cohesive, scenes are flushed out in more detail, the vision that evolved as I evolved and changed was pulled together in a way that is better than what I had first dreamed of. I’m really proud of this moment. There’s still a lot of work to do, but this is now something that I could hand to someone tomorrow and be proud of.
It’s a strange feeling. To be completed with this part. In some ways it felt like the most difficult. Because it wasn’t just work, it was a choice. A choice to commit to this dream. And that commitment has had many ripples in my life. After last Summer I had another busy season with work in the Fall. Another season of burnout and time focused on something else. An old version of my life and of myself. As I came to realize, it was no longer enough for me to just dream. I wanted to manifest those dreams. And that meant other things in my life had to change. A big one was how I relate to my job, but another one was how I related to myself. What identity I held for myself. And what it would mean to change that. Even though this change is aligned with my deepest self, it would also mean letting go of a lifetime of compromises and all of the time and effort and dreams I created to fit myself into something different. And harder yet, something different that I am succeeding at, that provides for me and that I had dedicated a huge portion of my life and energy to. I have to believe though, that if I were to dedicate that same focus and that same time and energy and life to something I truly feel called to, that there is a real possibility I could be happy and find success and provision. It will likely look very different and require many large changes, but I feel a certain amount of levity in the feeling of moving towards something I love instead of constantly moving away from things I don’t.
It’s a reflective time for me. The holidays are over, the new year has come and gone. The changes are decided but not in action. This milestone felt large to me, and I feel more aligned with what I’m working towards. It felt nice to mark it here in this space and to feel connected to the creative flow again.
